In Your Mind
by PadfootCrazy
Summary: As soon as the First War is over, Remus Lupin thinks about the state that the War brought unto him. Will he find out the true cause for his state?


November 10, 1981

There was much cause for celebration throughout the Wizarding world; the wizards had not had a single reason to rejoice for as long as ten years, but now people were celebrating all day and night. Some hosted parties in the Muggle restaurants; others gave away free Butterbeers to all passers-by. All this was not without reason; He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was finally gone. Gone for good. Rumours flew about at the speed of light; You-Who-Know had attacked the Potters, but when he tried to kill their son, Harry; his dark strength had failed him. Ironically, the darkest wizard who had ever lived was vanquished by a mere infant. That was the cause for all these celebrations.

However, there was one soul who did not partake in the festivities outside; he was probably the only one. Remus Lupin sat against the wall of his sitting room. His face was impassive, his eyes unfocused; from the window he stared up at the stars that twinkled above the night sky. On one hand he held a mug of coffee, the contents slowly dripped onto his cloak. On his other hand, he clutched a small, embroidered book. It was an album. He took no notice of the dripping coffee or the state of his cloak. He absently flipped through the pages of the album. The album was full of pictures of four boys, who teased and mocked one another. The real reason why Remus had that album with him was that he was actually trying to distract himself, using the book, but to no avail. He had to face the truth. He had to face reality…

_Sirius had betrayed Lily and James._

The thought struck his heart like a heavy bolt of lightning.

_No,_ he told himself, _that just can't be possible. Of all people, Sirius was the least likely to even think about betrayal, especially to Lily and James. After all, had Sirius not said repeatedly that he would give his life to James?_

Another voice had stirred in his mind. _But that was two years back. Surely, people change over the years,_ the voice deviously echoed.

_Not Sirius,_ he tried to reason.

_Not the Sirius you know,_ the voice corrected him brutally.

_Hardly the same man, he turned out to be,_ it added mockingly.

_But Sirius? How? _He asked himself feebly.

_Well, that's easy. His family was on Lord Voldemort's side. And Sirius was well positioned to act, wasn't he?_ The voice answered his query.

_I just can't believe that happened,_ he muttered.

_That's life,_ the voice answered in a superior tone. _And there's no point arguing about it. The damage's been done already. Thinking about Lily and James will not bring them back. They're gone._

_I know,_ he told himself dejectedly. _I'm anxious about Harry; though. Goodness knows what would happen to the boy_. Images of the tender child crossed him mind, though it had been almost six months since he'd last seen the boy, the images were fresh in his memory. Little Harry already had James' unruly hair and Lily's soft green eyes. The first time Remus had seen him, was when he was only two-weeks old. Remus could remember the feel of his tiny palms. This tender infant, was not even able to walk and talk, he would now live with Muggles; Muggles who hated him. Remus' heart melted at the thought.

Of all people, Harry was the one he pitied the most. Living amongst people who did not care whether you live or die, was the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. Especially to a baby who doesn't even know who he was. Remus could simply find no reason for the boy's cruel fate.

Could he blame it on Voldemort? After all, it was he who had brought about Lily and James' death; but would all of this have happened, if Sirius hadn't betrayed them?

_You can't blame Sirius; you don't even know if he did betray them,_ another small part of his mind argued. That was the part of him that still believed Sirius to be innocent.

_Had he not been their Secret-Keeper?_ The other voice asked obstinately. Remus could remember that being said in an article published in 'The Prophet'.

…You-Know-Who fails…  
…The Potters dead at Godric Hollow…  
…betrayed by their best friend, Sirius Black…had also been their Secret Keeper…

Those headlines had screamed.

_The Prophet? A reliable newspaper, eh?_ The voice asked, dripping with sarcasm. Remus had to agree with that; 'The Prophet' was known to publish rumours and gossip. Their news was rubbish, more often than not.

_After all that, was Sirius really to be blamed? What if he wasn't? Then did he go to Azkaban for nothing? And then there was Peter, brutally murdered along with thirteen Muggles._ Until now, Remus hadn't given him a thought; he had been too preoccupied with Lily and James' death. Poor Peter, he had gotten himself killed, when he tried to avenge his friends' death. All that, just because he had been loyal to James and Lily, while their best mate sold them to Voldemort. Remus was confused; he didn't know who he could really blame for all this.

Could he blame it on Fate? It's the easiest thing to do. Curse fate during toughest of times. After all, fate did play a large part in everyone's life. In Remus' case, though fate played a vital role in bringing him to the condition he was in now. Could he blame fate? Fate that turned him into a werewolf, which made people suspect him for a spy. Fate that made Sirius doubt his loyalties. Fate that made him lose Lily and James to Voldemort. Fate that made him the wretched man that he is now. It was all so confusing.

Remus covered his face with his hands, he tried to block out all thoughts, but ironically, the harder he tried; the more thoughts plummeted into his confused mind. It was only now that he fully appreciated having a Pensieve like Dumbledore's.

Remus felt lost. He had lost Lily and James to Voldemort; Sirius was in Azkaban, and Peter murdered. Now, he had no one to care for him, no one to share his thoughts with, no one to talk to him, and no one who would even bother to know if he lived or died. Whose fault was that? Fate? Voldemort? Sirius? Himself? He could go on and on…

Remus hoped that when he wakes up the next day, he would realise that this was all a bad dream…Lily and James would still be alive…Sirius would be innocent after all…and Peter would still be alive…Harry would still have his family. With those few comforting thoughts, he rolled into sleep. Outside, the cries of celebration have yet to cease.


End file.
